Last night our good friend Blue stopped in for dinner, and brought a giant picnic basket full of fresh zucchini, summer squash, kale, cucumbers, and cherry tomatoes from the local community garden, who he’d been doing some work for (he’s a carpenter/artist). Amy and I had been wracking our brains for something interesting to make and she pointed out that we had a big jar of israeli couscous that we’d yet to try. Putting two and two together…

We used an onion and some garlic as well (of course), and added some black-eyed peas for some protein and to round out the sort of Southern feel the sauteed kale provided. The couscous was really interesting–much more like orzo than standard couscous, like small fluffy noodles. Apparently, it’s also awesome nutritionally.

Garden Israeli Couscous

• 3 small zucchinis, cut into discs or semi-circles
• 2 small summer squashes, cut into discs or semi-circles
• 1 large bunch of kale, de-boned (optional) and chopped coarsely
• 1 medium-sized white or yellow onion, chopped coarsely
• 4 cloves of garlic, diced
• 4 cups (2 cans) of black-eyed peas
• 2 cups israeli couscous
• 3 cups veggie stock (we used our leftover chik’n seitan broth)
• 1 large handful of fresh basil, chopped
• 2 stalks of thyme, de-stemmed
• 1 small handful of fresh oregano
• 1/4 cup nutritional yeast
• olive oil
• salt & pepper, to taste

In a medium-sized saucepan, bring the veggie stock to a boil, then add the couscous. Cover and remove from heat.

In a large skillet, saute the onions and garlic in olive oil over medium heat. After a few minutes, add in the zucchini and squash. When everything is tender, add in the kale and fresh herbs (and probably more oil), stirring well. Add in the black-eyed peas, also stirring well. Stir in the nutritional yeast, then salt and pepper to taste.

Serve over the couscous. Consider Palestinian couscous tomorrow for a two-plate solution.

Having slogged my way through those first two funky batches of soymilk, it was time to try again, this time using the proper measurements. It turns out that one SoyQuick cup = 1/2 actual cup. Of course! Does anyone else see this as a disaster waiting to happen? That being said, the first batch wasn’t a total disaster–many recipes actually call for “2 cups” of soybeans (i.e. 1 actual cup, which is what I used). For this most recent batch, I followed Julie Hasson’s recipe pretty closely, but used Zoa’s filtration method, to compare against the previous batch. Though still a tad beany, it was much smoother and tastier than the first round. I would actually dunk a cookie in this batch, did in fact enjoy it on a bowl of cereal. Observe:

To get a sense of the taste, and where I might want to go with it, I didn’t add anything to the soymilk initially. Though not as beany as the first batches, it was still just outside the drinkable-on-its-own range. As per Julie’s recipe, I added in 4 tbsp malt extract powder (make sure it’s extract powder, not just powder; and don’t use syrup; you can find it at shops that sell home-brewing supplies). This gives the soymilk a richer taste, and sweetens it just a hair–not enough for it to be “sweet”, but enough to cut any bitter edge and cut down on the beany flavor. If I were going to use this as my unsweetened batch, I would have stopped there. But I wanted a drinkable version that I could put on my cereal, so I added 1 tbsp of sugar. It’s still not sweet, per se, but was awesome on my cereal.

Aside from using too many beans and not filtering enough the first time, I think I also made a few mistakes with sweeteners. I used agave in one and brown rice syrup in the other–and then re-filtered the soymilk after adding the syrups. This caused the second jug of the first batch to separate horribly.  I should have been much more scientific in my approach, but I can’t recall which jug had which sweetener. Using the powers of inductive reasoning, I’ve concluded that it was the brown rice syrup batch that separated, as that was supposed to be the “unsweetened” batch, and it was the unsweetened batch that separated. So. Agave would appear to be safe. Additionally, I don’t know if it was the brown rice syrup, the second filtration, or the combination of the two that was truly at fault. I think as a general rule of thumb, stick with powders over syrups. Syrups separate. The best bet for sweetening is probably to follow Zoa’s lead and just add raw dates to the soymilk maker up front.

With a new batch of soymilk on the way, I also had a new batch of okara on the way–meaning I needed to use up my previous store. I didn’t do anything to dry my okara out, beyond mashing it with a spoon into the filters during the filtration process. So, my okara is “wet”. Before I explore the intricacies of wringing out the okara a little, I thought I’d explore the limits of laziness and establish some uses for a wetter okara.

As I mentioned in the previous post, I made Zoa’s Okara Seitan Chik’n. Aside from the salad and bowties, I made a veggie & chik’n couscous–using not only the okara seitan, but also cooking the couscous in the broth from the seitan. Everything in its place.

The next night, Joe treated me to his famous Spicy Ramen (recipe forthcoming!), a true delicacy. Made, not surprisingly, with seitan chik’n.

As you may have noticed, asparagus is no longer in season, and broccoli now is. Farewell asparagus! Welcome broccoli!

Even after making the okara seitan, I still had 2 full cups (actual cups, not SoyQuick cups!) of okara leftover. What to do with it? Then it hit me–broccoli & rice bake-em-up! I replaced the tofu with the 2 cups of wet okara and the 2 cups of faux milk with 1.5 cups of water. Also, since the farmer’s market was the next morning and I’d run out of broccoli, I used kale from our garden, subbing 2 cups of chopped kale for the broccoli. It turned out perfectly!

As is true of the standard version of this recipe, you will end up with too much sauce. Save out 1 – 1.5 cups, and you should be left with just the right amount. You can use the leftover sauce for Okara Chik’n Al-faux-do–for a double dose of okara action!

And what better time? Summer squash is popping up everywhere at the farmer’s market. But maybe this is too much? I’ve gone off the okara/soymilk deep end?

Perhaps, perhaps. Of course, this is just the sort of challenge I appreciate–and just the sort of challenge you’ve come to know and love during my occasional bachelorhoods: how can we use everything up without wasting anything? In general, we should train ourselves to see reducing waste and getting the most out of the resources that we use as a fun challenge, rather than an oppressive burden. In centuries past, this is how people had to cook–something that we’ve moved away from with advent of better preservation and, ultimately, processed, packaged, single-serving meals.

Consider it: making one batch of soymilk has shaped, in many ways, two weeks of cooking. Not quite the same as buying a carton of soymilk. And what happens to all of the waste produced during the commercial soymilk-making process?

[A]s a significant byproduct of soy milk and tofu manufacturing, okara is commonly used as animal feed since its production usually exceeds demands for human consumption. For this reason, it is not uncommon for tofu and soymilk factories to be located close to animal farms in many Asian countries. In Western countries, okara is used almost exclusively for the production of pig and cattle feed, although it does appear as an ingredient for vegetarian burger patties. – Wikipedia entry on Okara (food)

So, chances are that if you’re consuming commercial soymilk, you’re contributing (very) indirectly to factory farming. I say this uncritically, as we’re all enmeshed in the tangled system and can only extricate ourselves one bit at a time. The focus here is not on why you want to avoid commercial soymilks, but why you might want to make your own–as a way to be closer to your food and its production; to reduce physical waste; to eat more locally; and to understand your diet holistically, to see your food choices not in the context of a single meal, but rather as a week of meals, a month, a season.

Okay. I’m getting off my soapbox now and heating up some leftovers!

Of all the soups on this Earth, the Thai Tom Kha is among my favorites.

We were introduced to it at the Thai Pavilion in DeKalb, IL–where I was introduced to Thai food in general. There seem to be lots of varieties of this tofu & coconut soup–some sweet and rich, others more savory–and the Thai Pavilion’s was sweet. Perhaps because that’s the Tom Kha I first loved, it’s the one I love best, and the one I’ve been striving for years to reproduce at home–with mixed levels of success. I had half an acorn squash and shloads of tofu on hand from the Indigenous Scramble, and a hankerin’ for soup, so this seemed like the perfect time to once again attempt a Tom Kha. This version is only slightly modified from Nancie McDermott’s Real Vegetarian Thai, a book I’ve been faithfully neglecting for years. Also, this version was pretty awesome.

Tom Kha w/Acorn Squash

• 2 cans of coconut milk
• 1.5 cups of veggie stock
• fresh ginger, cut into about 20 quarter-sized disks (the recipe calls for galanga, but we never seem to have that on hand)
• 10 peppercorns
• zest from an entire lime (in theory, kaffir lime leaves are more authentic, but also harder to come by)
• 1/2 lb extra firm tofu, drained and cubed
• 1/2 acorn squash, skinned and cubed
• 6 mushrooms, cut into fourths (or slightly smaller if they’re large mushrooms)
• 2 tbsp lime juice
• 1 tbsp soy sauce (or gluten-free tamari)
• 4 stalk of lemon grass (we left these out and it was still delicious; you can also use lemon grass powder)
• 1 tbsp brown sugar (optional)
• green onions, chopped
• salt, to taste

In a medium to large pot, bring coconut milk and veggie stock to a boil. Add in the ginger/galanga, lime leaves/zest, peppercorns, and prepped lemongrass (if using) and reduce heat to simmer. We had leftover baked acorn squash, I just removed to skin and cubed it. For firmer squash, you’ll want it uncooked–which means that you’ll need to pare off the skin, then cube. Add the squash and mushrooms and bring back to a boil, cooking for 10 minutes. Add in the remaining ingredients, cooking until the tofu is heated through and has acquired some of the soup’s deliciosity.

This is best served (and we think traditionally) with rice on the side. Take a spoonful of rice and dunk it in the soup, occasionally grabbing some tofu, squash, or a mushroom. Place contents in your mouth. Rejoice.

We had this with a “Thai” salad–essentially a Western salad, but with a Peanut Sesame Ginger dressing, peanuts, sliced clementine, and a bit of wakame on the salad.

Thai Peanut Sesame Ginger Dressing

• 2 tbsp rice wine vinegar
• 2 tbsp peanut oil
• 3 tbsp water
• 6 tbsp safflower oil
• 1 tbsp sesame oil
• 2 tbsp soy sauce (or gluten-free tamari)
• 1 tbsp freshly grated ginger
• 1 tbsp natural peanut butter
• 1 large carrot, peeled
• 1 tbsp red thai curry paste
• 1 tbsp chopped onion

Blend all ingredients in a blender until smooth.

No, this is not a hilarious dance performed by the natives to this continent–it’s a tofu scramble made with local ingredients, namely wild rice and acorn squash. I like to imagine this as the Thanksgiving Breakfast, pilgrims and natives alike feasting cruelty-free on tofu and native crops. No one gave anyone smallpox and everyone lived happily ever after. The end. Manifest Destiny only required that the food was delicious.

We made this for a brunch this morning (well, this afternoon). This being the Year of the Brunch, it’s been a real challenge to make a sufficient variety of breakfast foods without (a) repeating ourselves and (b) overlapping with what others are making. Remember that brunch where you all made potatoes?

This was inspired by a scramble we had some time back at Seva, a local vegetarian restaurant. It’s a little labor intensive for your usual breakfast, so it’s more ideal for a brunch-type scenario. Accordingly, this recipe is for a double batch–so be sure to halve everything if you’re only feeding a few people and/or don’t want a ton of leftovers.

Indigenous Scramble

• 2 medium-sized white onions, diced
• 2 lbs of tofu, drained
• 1/2 medium – large acorn squash
• 1 cup (uncooked) wild rice
• 2 cups water
• 1/3 cup nutritional yeast
• 1 tsp turmeric
• 2 tsp herbs d’provence
• salt & pepper, to taste
• high heat cooking oil

Preheat your over to 425 degrees Fahrenheit. Cut the acorn squash in half and place on baking sheet in a small drizzle of high heat cooking oil (like Safflower). Bake for 30 – 40 minutes, until you can remove the skin, but the squash is still solid enough to cut into pieces. Don’t worry too much about overcooking it–it’ll still be awesome, but you’ll lose a little something in texture.

Meanwhile, in a medium-sized saucepan, heat 1 tbsp cooking oil over high heat. Add in the wild rice, tossing, and cook for about 3 minutes. Add in the water, bring to boil, then reduce heat and cover, cooking until the water is gone and the rice is done.

Meanmeanwhile, saute the onion in oil in a large pot over medium heat. Once the onions are soft, add in the tofu, crumbling. Now add in the nu yeast and the turmeric. When the squash is done, peel the skin off and cut it into bite-sized pieces. Add it to the tofu. When the rice is done, add that too, Finally, add in the spices, salt, and pepper. Mix it up. Eat it up.

There’s nothing like the holidays to totally derail your best efforts to  be healthy. With family wanting to take you out to dinner, friends it would be criminal not to share a vegan pizza joint with, and the liquor. Oh, the liquor. So. After the holidays, Amy and I found we were desperately craving a nice big salad. And soup…well, we’re pretty much always all over that–and this simple acorn squash soup leaves enough room to really enjoy a giant salad.

We got the idea for this salad from an Italian restaurant we went to with friends a few weeks ago–it was chocked full of pomegranate seeds, which are amazing (if not quite a lot of work). These things are great to feed to guests who you’d like to keep around for 6 months out of the year. Both pomegranates and clementines are traditionally more abundant (though not very local to the US Midwest) in the winter months.

We got the idea for the soup from ourselves.

Pomegranate Winter Salad

• Lettuce of your choice (unless you choose iceberg, in which case you’re disqualified)
• 1 clementine, peeled, cut in half, and separated
• 1/4 cup almond slivers OR pecans
• seeds from 1/2 of a pomegranate
• 1/4 small purple onion, cut in rings and quartered
• 1 tbsp Earth Balance ™
• 2 tsp sugar
• 1/2 tsp cayenne

First things first, you’ll need to address the pomegranate–which is not a trivial task. Prepare a large bowl of clean water. Slice the end off of the pomegranate and place the pomegranate in the water. Carefully tear it apart under water (so the juice doesn’t splash out on your clothes–it stains!), allowing the seeds to sink to the bottom of the bowl and the pith to float on top of the water.  Skim the pith from the surface of the water and discard.  Pour the seeds/water into a colander, rand rinse with cold water. This takes quite a bit of work, but produces a pretty large quantity of seeds. Believe me, they’re well worth it.  We had two pomegranates and had a lot of seeds left over, which keep for up to two weeks in an airtight container in the fridge.

Now you’re going to candy the almond slivers/pecans. Toast almonds/pecans in Earth Balance ™ over medium heat.  When lightly toasted, add sugar, salt and cayenne and stir until coated.  Allow to brown and transfer to a bowl to cool.

Shred the lettuce into pieces, big or small to your preference. But not too small. You’re not making tacos. Toss it in a large salad bowl, arranging the other ingredients on top. Toss lightly with Amy’s Red Wine Vinegar Dijon dressing.

Serve with Acorn Squash Soup (or any light soup, really) and crusty bread.

For me, cooking is largely a creative endeavor, like making art–something steeped in inspiration and which doesn’t like being bossed around. For the first few weeks, the MoFo was just a great way to push myself a little harder, a context for creation. But in the last few days, it’s become harder–for better or worse. Maybe now is the most important time–when it’s no longer easy and I have to start making real decisions, instead of being blown by the winds of whimsy.

It was in this state that I approached last night’s meal: Seitan Bread Bake, Roasted Acorn Squash Soup, and Scalloped Potatoes. With the additional caveat: I must not produce any more leftovers that Amy won’t eat (it gets a little old eating pot pie for lunch every day for a week). So, I wanted to craft a meal that catered to all of Amy’s cravings.

(I’m feeling a bit loquacious today–feel free to skip to THE ACTION)

Mulling over how to put all of this together without creating a hodgepodge of crap, I took inspiration from this really attractive meal at The Airy Way. It reminded me of two things that I often really like in a meal: lots of different, small portions and a nice mix of complex recipes with simple ones.

We usually approach a soup as a meal, but every once in a while I get a wild hare to do an appetizer-type soup. We had a few acorn squash to use up, so this seemed like a perfect opportunity for Roasted Acorn (and Garlic!) Soup. Riding out the Autumn trend (which happened to be saddled to the Amy’s-Craving trend), it seemed like a good night to take another stab at Faux Gratin Potatoes. We’ve been a little nooched out of late, so we decided that a simpler, cleaner Scalloped Potato might be a nice change.

The surprise champeen of the dinner, to my surprise, was the Seitan Bread Bake. We had tomatoes and bread to use up and Amy mentioned this sort of tomato and bread bake that a friend’s dad used to make. My interest was piqued. Of course, we also nad seitan to use up (there’s a theme here). The original recipe used basil, but we have a mess of pesto in the freezer right now–this, I firmly believe, was the crucial element. I don’t have words for how awesome this stuff tastes. You could prepare it faster than I could describe it.

In any case, here’s THE ACTION:

Roasted Acorn Squash (and Garlic!) Soup

• 2 small acorn squash, cut in half and degutted
• 1 HEAD of garlic
• 1/2 medium-sized yellow onion, diced
• 3 cups veggie stock
• 1/2 tsp ground cumin
• salt and pepper, to taste

Preheat your oven to 425 degrees Fahrenheit. Slice the acorn squash in half, remove the guts, then place on an oiled cooking sheet. Slice off the top of the head of garlic, place in foil, and douse with olive oil. Bake the squash for 45 minutes and the garlic for 30 minutes (i.e. just put garlic in 15 minutes after the squash).

Meanwhile, sautee the onion in oil or Earth Balance in a medium-sized pot over medium heat, untill soft. When the squash and garlic are done, remove them from the oven and give them at least 10 minutes to cool. Spoon and knife the squash and garlic, respectively, into the pot with the onion. Add in the stock, stir well, then blend with an immersion blender. If you’re using a standard blender, you can put all the ingredients directly in the blender, then transfer to the pot. Blend until very smooth. Add the cumin, then salt and pepper to taste.

Serve with a swirl of Rooster Sauce.

Scalloped Potatoes

• 4 medium – large potatoes, cut into thin disks (peel, if using brown taters)
• 1/2 medium-sized white onion, diced
• 2 cloves of garlic, minced or pressed
• 1/2 cup cooked white beans, drained
• 1/2 cup ground cashews
• 1/2 cup milk-like product
• tsp ground mustard seed
• 2 tbsp lemon juice
• 2 tbsp Earth Balance
• salt and pepper, to taste
• bread crumbs (optional)

This is very much like the Al-Faux-Do sauce, but with white beans and a bit more lemon. It’s a bit thicker and, despite the lemon, a tinch less sharp (and even less so after baking).

Preheat your oven to 425 degrees Fahrenheit. Prepare the potatoes. Sautee the onion and garlic in the Earth Balance over medium heat. Once they’re soft, add them to the blender along with the other ingredients (except the potatoes) and blend until smooth.

Put the potatoes in an oven-safe casserole dish and pour the the sauce over them, mixing very thoroughly. The more shallow you stack the potatoes, the faster they’ll and the more bread crumbs you can fit on top. Your call.

Cover with foil and bake for 30 minutes. Uncover and add bread crumbs (if you’re using them). Bake for an additional 15 minutes. Check the potatoes with a fork–if they’re nice and soft, you’re done. Otherwise, cook for an additional 5 minutes and check again. Repeat as necessary.

Seitan Bread Bake

• 2 thick pieces of bread, cut into large cubes (we used our homemade bread; use 3 pieces if using sandwich bread)
• 1 large seitan cutlet (or two smaller ones), cut into large cubes
• 3 small tomatoes (or 1 large tomato–use your judgment), cut into pieces
• 3 cubes frozen pesto (~1/2 cup) OR fresh garlic and basil, minced
• olive oil

Preheat oven to 425. Place the bread, seitan, and tomatoes in an oiled oven-safe casserole dish or cooking sheet with a little depth (there will be a fair amount of oil and tomato juice–so you don’t want a totally flat sheet). Mix them up, so everything is fairly evenly distributed. Douse generously with olive oil, then spread pesto on top (if you’re thawing, you’ll probably need a little olive oil to the pest when warming). Cover with foil and bake for 15 minutes. Remove foil, stir everything thoroughly, and bake for another 15 minutes, until bread and seitan are somewhat firm. Prepare your tastebuds. Fantastic!

It’s that time of year. Well…for us, it’s always that time of year. You have a bunch of veggies in the fridge on the verge of going bad, so you have to take drastic measures and forge a soup from a dearth of disparate ingredients. Some folks loathe this; we  love it. It’s the free jazz of cooking. Maybe. We don’t really listen to free jazz, but it’s what I imagine free jazz to be.

This soup features the last of lots of fall veggies from both our garden and the farmer’s market: eggplant, butternut squash, potatoes, onions, leeks, garlic, carrots, and green bell peppers. It’s rich and savory–perfect for a warm fall day as much as a cold fall day.

Fall Everything Soup

• 1 medium-sized white onion, diced
• 1 medium-sized green bell pepper, diced
• 2 smallish eggplants, cubed
• 2 medium-sized potatoes, cubed (peel ‘em if they’re brown–we used purple)
• 1 large carrot, peeled and cut into half-disks
• 1 very small purple cabbage or 1/3 of a regular purple cabbage
• 3 large leeks (or a handful of small leeks–this is what we got from the farmer’s market)
• 1 regulation-size butternut squash
• 1 head of garlic
• 10 cups of veggie stock
• 1 handful of fresh chives, diced
• 6 fresh sage leaves (or 1 tbsp dried sage), diced
• 1 tbsp herbs d’provence
• salt and pepper, to taste
• 1 cup of wild rice, cooked in 2 cups of water

Preheat your oven to 425 degrees Fahrenheit. Slice the butternut squash in half lengthwise and place on a lightly oiled cooking sheet. When the oven is done preheating, pop it in the oven and set the timer for 45 minutes. Sautee the onions, peppers, eggplant, carrots, and potatoes in oil in a large pot over medium heat. When the onions are soft, add in the veggie stock and the herbs. When this comes to a boil, cover and reduce heat, simmering.

Bring the rice and 2 cups of water to a boil, cover, reduce heat, and simmer.

Slice off the top of  a head of garlic. Place on a sheet of aluminum foil, douse generously with olive oil, and wrap tightly. After the squash has been cooking for 15 minutes, pop this in the oven with the squash.

When the squash is done, remove from oven and let cool for 10 minutes. Spoon out the seedy part. Spoon the rest into a blender, along with the garlic (you should spoon out each clove with a knife). Add in enough stock to blend easily and blend. Blend it up! When it’s smooth, add it to the soup.

Stir everything well, and add salt and pepper to taste. You’re almost done. You just need the rice. Once it’s done, add it to the soup and cook for an additional 10 -15 minutes.

You’re done! Huzzah!

Serve with a crusty loaf.

This recipe used to involve eggplant.

Eggplant does not GROW LIKE CRAZY.

Zucchini and summer squash GROW LIKE CRAZY.

__________________________________

This recipe involves zucchini and summer squash.

And tomatoes (it always involved tomatoes, which GROW LIKE CRAZY).

And potatoes (not the marble-sized guys from our garden…but they needed to get used up…you don’t want to make Ralph Nader cry do you?)

Squashed & Mashed Bake ‘Em Up

• 6 medium russet potatoes, peeled and cut into large pieces
• 3 medium tomatoes
• 1 large zucchini
• 1 large summer squash
• olive oil
• 3 tbsp buttery substance
• 1/8 – 1/4 cup milky substance
• 1/2 cup bread crumbs
• 1/4 cup nu yeast
• 2 tsp herbs d’provence
• 1 tsp oregano
• 1 tsp garlic
• half a palmful of rosemary
• salt and pepper to taste

This recipe is pretty simple. You start of by making smashed potatoes:

In a large-ish pot, boil the potatoes until they’re soft. In a large-ish bowl, add the milk and butter, garlic, rosemary, and some salt and pepper. Mash it! Mash it up. You want these pretty thick and fluffy, so don’t overdo it on the milk. I’m serious.

At some point in this process, you should preheat the oven to 400 degrees.

Now. Cut the ends of the zucchini and squash. Cut the zucchini into 4 pieces, width-wise. Cut each of these length-wise, so you have wide, thin pieces. Cut the neck off the squash and do the same thing. Cut the big part in half. With a spoon or small skull, dig the seedy guts, if there are any, out of the squash. Now cut each half into thin slices, length-wise. Excellent. You’re almost done.

Spread a bit of olive oil on the bottom of a 14 x 9 baking pan. Spread a layer of squash–enough to cover the bottom of the pan, but not too thick. Drizzle a bit more olive oil on top of the squash, then sprinkle salt, pepper, and half of the herbs d’provence on top. Now spread a layer of zucchini. Drizzle more olive oil and sprinkle on the nu yeast. Fantastic! You’re doing great. One more layer of squash and/or zucchini, whatever is left (this will depend on the size of each). Top with salt, pepper, and remaining herbs d’provence.

Now. Spread the smashed potatoes on top of the squashes.

Cut the tomatoes into thin slices. Remove the tomato-boogers as you go. Spread these (tomatoes, not boogers–unless you normally eat the boogers and throw away the tomatoes) in a layer on top of the potatoes. Sprinkle oregano on top of this. You’re so close, I can taste it. Sprinkle on some bread crumbs, drizzle on some more olive oil, cover with aluminum foil, and pop this beyotch in the oven. After 10 minutes, remove the foil. Bake for an additional 20 minutes. Poke the zucchini with a fork–if it feels tender, you’re all done. If it’s still a bit tough, your oven is a wuss and you need to keep baking for an additional 5 to 10 minutes.

Outstanding!

You: loves chili, has a surplus of butternut squash from this year’s garden

This recipe: loves being eaten, smelled, is chili, contains butternut squash

Is it love?

Fall Harvest Chili

• 1 large butternut squash
• 1 large yellow onion, diced
• 6 tomatoes, blanched, peeled, gutted, and diced finely
• 1 – 2 green chilis (any variety–YOU pick the heat…it’s like a Choose Your Own Adventure for your mouth!), seeded and diced (optional)
• 2 small – medium carrots, peeled and cut into half disks (go to page 12) or diced (go to page 38)
• 1 stalk celery, diced
• 1 zucchini or summer squash, cubed (optional)
• 1 can (cups cooked, I think) Great Northern white beans
• 1 can canellini (white kidney) beans
• 1 can garbanzo beans
• 1 tbsp cumin seeds, lightly toasted then ground
• 1/4 cup chili powder
• 2 tsp paprika
• 2 tsp dried or 1 heaping tbsp fresh oregano
• salt & pepper to taste
• water
• oil

Cut the butternut squash in half and cook facedown in oil on a cookie sheet or bread pans at 400 degrees for 35 – 45 minutes. Cook it for slightly less time than you normal would, as you don’t want it all mushy, just some parts. There should be some pieces that a person with teeth could chew. Once you’ve put this menace in the oven, sautee the onion in oil in a large pot over medium heat. Add in the celery, then the carrots, then the chilis (if used). Add in the zucchini/summer squash now (if using).

In another pot, take care of all the tomato blanching nonsense (unless your were awesome enough to can, in which case you’re already done). Once the onions are starting to brown, add in all of the spices and mix well. Add in the tomatoes when they’re ready. Add in the beans after that. [If you're using canned beans, include the water from the two white beans; if you've cooked the beans yourself, use about 1/2 cup water from each white bean if you still have it.] Stir well, add some salt and let simmer.

When the squash is done, prepare yourself psychologically for the hassle of wrestling this beast out of its skin. Better, if someone is around who expects to eat this and isn’t helping, make them do it. They will invariably do a poor job. But screw it. Seriously. You can now blame every problem the chili has on this hapless helper.

So, once the squash is out of its skin, add in all of the mushy parts. Cut the remaining squash into chunks, the size of which you find enjoyable to chew, particularly in conjunction with other items on your spoon. This will vary by both mouth and spoon size. If you are feeding other people, remember that you can control for spoon size, but not for mouth size. Optionally, you may select a more optimal group of friends based on oral aperture.

Let the chili simmer for a spell before eating.

Zucchini Soup

• 1 large motherfucking onion. I mean fucking big. or 2 small guys.
• 4 – 8 cloves of garlic (do I need to always type this? it should be understood at this point)
• 2 porn-sized zucchinis–John Holmes+, minimum, maybe even a nice Lex Steele
• 2 leeks
• 4 cups veggie stock
• 2 cups water
• 1 tsp cumin
• 1 – 2 dashes nutmeg
• 3 sprigs lemon thyme (or regular thyme and a squirt of lemon) / 2 tsp?
• 4 sprigs oregano / 2tsp?
• 3 – 4 sprigs sage / 1 tbsp?
• chives (optional)
• salt/pepper to taste
• 2/3 cup soy/almond/rice/hemp creamer/milk

Chop up the veggies into cubes or wedges. No need to get all top chef ™ on this shit. You’re gonna blend this later with your yuppie immersion blender, because you’re middle class and that’s how you roll. Or you’ll blend it like it’s 1983. When you were poor and the blender was something your mom used to make daiquiris. Sautee the onion, leeks, and garlic in a saucepan over medium heat in a high heat oil, or low heat oil if you’re into cancer. Optionally add melted plastic.

Once onion is soft, add in the zucchini and spices  (except cumin and nutmeg). Once the zucchini is soft add the veggie stock and water. Blend in your own special way, leaving a few chunks just as a surprise for the laconic eater, to catch your enemies unawares. Add faux milk-like beverage. Add cumin and nutmeg. Add more salt and pepper, as you’ve almost certainly misunderestimated your need for salt and pepper. Stir. Serve. Poop.